After a long period of ‘steady as she goes’, the last week has been somewhat turbulent. We have done some major work on the house to make my mother’s sitting room much much nicer, and the disorganisation of this, plus the realisation that a lot of stuff that she might have wanted was thrown out on the sale of her house. This has meant days of low level sniping. I don’t think this is conscious on her part; she is unhappy so she is cross and I am in the firing line.
I have taken this more philospohically than in the past; however it has meant that time with my partner is somewhat dominated by talking about our current situation, and sharing our unhappiness. I find his unhappiness more worrying than my own.
The sad and concerning information to come out of these discussions is that we both acknowledge that we keep the boat stable by sacrificing our own relationship to an extent. We put my mother high on our list of priorities as she needs looking after and also – my old drum beat – when she is happier she is easier to live with. Also, we – I particularly – don’t have enough energy to go around so this leads to a loss of closeness to oneanother. Some of my energy goes on my mother, alot of it goes on worrying about the impact on everyone and trying to bridge gaps, paper over cracks, taking responsibility for keeping everyone happy. Which is of course impossible and very tiring.
In bed last night I doubted my capacity for strong feelings, which is extraordinary, given what a sensitive and intense child I know myself to have been. I think that the last few years of looking after my parents, albeit from more of a distance than now, and the lack of recovery time have chemically changed me in many ways. I don’t talk so much. I don’t wish to as it takes energy. I am currently seeking some help and I am very ambivalent as I don’t want to talk. My memory is damaged. Sometimes, it is so bad that I feel I should get it checked out. I am snappy like a crocodile dog. I am exhausted but unable to get myself to go to bed early. I am very angry and quick to anger.
Do I still feel strong love as well as strong anger? It just isn’t very obvious.
Plus points: the work on the house is mostly done and my mother’s room is now fab, subject to being decorated. It is the last concession to her living here we are prepared to make. My parents’ house was sold without huge upset. We are, broadly settled in our new family (nb we agreed that we haven’t had such disruption in our lives since we had children, and that was a much more positive experience). I am far more tolerant and get on with Mummy, broadly, better than I anticipated. Kids seem fine. Mummy has started to be able to tolerate the cats. We are taking responsibility for our elderly. We are doing what my father asked me to do.
Negatives: we so miss our family of four. I miss my husband. I can’t bear him to not be able to ‘rest’ at home. There is no end. My head is too full. I don’t have any head space or any real ‘alone’ time. We cannot expect much compromise. H would say that we are on an even keel because I accommodate and keep the peace, but that it is at such a personal cost to me he is worried about my mental and physical health.
There is no alternative.
icare4some1 